Ways to show support for friends and colleagues experiencing pregnancy and baby loss
By Daniella Graham, freelance strategy director
Every day in the UK there are 273 miscarriages, 7 stillbirths, 10 terminations for medical reasons and 5 neonatal deaths*. Yet people often struggle to know how best to support to those experiencing pregnancy and baby loss. This year’s Baby Loss Awareness Week is ‘together we care’. After experiencing multiple losses over the past two years, I thought it might be helpful to share ways you can show support to colleagues going through loss.
Acknowledge the loss
“I’m so sorry for your loss” feels inadequate. There are no words that can make it better. But avoiding the subject doesn’t make it better either and can even make it worse. I can only speak for myself, but I have sometimes felt awkward, embarrassed and even ashamed when people have knowingly avoided acknowledging a recent loss. For me, acknowledging what I have been going through felt like a small but significant gesture.
Take the admin away where you can
For me, work admin was an extra layer of mental effort that I didn’t have capacity for. If somebody you manage is experiencing a loss, don’t wait for prompting to share information on policies. If work needs covering, just let them know it’s in hand. When managing a return to work, be clear on what you need from them and when. Signpost support resources and services – both internal and external. This is the area when you can most likely be of most practical help to somebody going through loss.
Appreciate that recovery is complex – and back to work isn’t back to normal
In the past year the government has introduced bereavement leave for pre-24 week pregnancy loss. It’s a great step in recognising the impact of early pregnancy loss – but two weeks is not very long. It doesn’t account for the potential physical impacts of loss, the timelines of treatment or the ongoing emotional impact.
There can be days and weeks in limbo waiting for tests and scans. Medical and surgical interventions can be physically and emotionally difficult. The emotional impact, whatever the circumstances of your loss, can be deep and long-lasting. Women who have experienced pregnancy loss are more likely to experience PTSD, while depression and anxiety is also common.
Returning to work is intimidating, particularly when there is an expectation you are ‘back to normal’. Acknowledge the challenges somebody returning after a loss may be experiences, and work together to see if there are accommodations that can make the transition easier.
Simple acts of consideration can go a long way
For me, I found a voucher for gourmet ready meals was appreciated at a time where we really couldn’t face thinking about cooking. I personally found (limited) email contact via personal email when I was off work helpful – checking in with me to make sure I was ok without needing to check work email. When I returned to work after my second loss I was grateful for a colleague who found an excuse to steer me away from a conversation about pregnancy scans without making a big deal of it. In a freelance role following my third loss a colleague checked in beforehand about a potentially triggering brief, ensuring I felt comfortable working on it. The small things can make a big difference.
Establish what people are comfortable sharing
Plenty of people don’t want to talk about their losses, whether or not the cause for their absence from work is known among colleagues. That should always be respected, as it would be for any medical issue. I have personally preferred to have the reason for my absence communicated if only to avoid the barrage of ‘are you feeling better?’ questions – but always be guided by the individual and their wishes, including what they may want after returning to work.
Prioritise partners too
Non-birthing partners don’t experience the physical effects of loss, but this can mean they are left vulnerable and unsupported. They will often return to work quickly – if they take any time off at all. They are rarely – if ever – asked by medical professionals how they’re doing, and this can translate into social and work environments too. Check in on them too
Ask, don’t assume
Every loss – and every individual – is different. I’ve personally experienced four pregnancy losses, and what I wanted and needed wasn’t always the same. What I find helpful others may not – there’s no one-size-fits-all approach. Organisations such as Tommy’s and Miscarriage Association have guidance on supporting colleagues, as well as information about what they may be experiencing. Ultimately, don’t assume what somebody feels or needs – ask them.
*Statistics from Petals
Some organisations you may wish to seek out:
Tommy’s https://www.tommys.org/
Miscarriage Association https://www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/
The Ectopic Pregnancy Trust https://ectopic.org.uk/
